WHEN THE GIFT BECOMES THE MASK
When what God gave you becomes a hiding place
There was a time in my life when I didn't allow myself to feel.
I didn't process negative emotions. I didn't sit with sadness. I didn't allow myself to acknowledge hurt. I would simply push it under the rug and smile it away.
It wasn't because there wasn't anything there.
There was a lot there.
I felt like God and man had disappointed me, so I decided I would expect nothing from anyone. In my mind, it was safer that way. If I didn't expect anything, I couldn't be disappointed.
And I hated how feelings of sadness, hurt and depression made me feel physically. So I learned how to function without feeling.
Or at least, that's what I thought I was doing.
I was in college, living in a dorm, and one day I was in the kitchen washing dishes. One of my housemates looked at me and asked what was wrong.
As usual, my response was, “Nothing is wrong. I'm fine.”
But she said something that made me stop.
“So how come you're not singing?”
You see, they had gotten so accustomed to me singing around the dorm that it was strange that I wasn't singing.
And that was when I recognized that something was off.
The gift that everyone knew me for had gone quiet.
And maybe, for the first time, I realized just how much I had been using that gift to cover what was happening underneath.
WHEN THE GIFT HIDES THE PERSON
I wasn't dealing with insecurity.
I wasn't dealing with rejection.
I wasn't dealing with pride.
I wasn't dealing with loneliness, comparison, identity issues, unforgiveness or a need for approval.
At least, I didn't think I was.
When I sang, people didn't see the hurting person.
They saw the person who could lead them into worship.
And if I'm honest, that felt good.
It made me feel spiritual.
It made me feel seen.
It made me feel like I was on the right track.
But my inner man was not doing well at all.
I was receiving validation that I was good enough.
And this is where I think we need to be honest about our gifts.
Sometimes the gift can become a mask.
Not because the gift isn't genuine.
Not because God didn't give it to us.
But because we can use what God gave us to hide what we haven't allowed Him to deal with.
The gift can become the place where people see what we can do while never seeing what we are carrying.
And sometimes, if we aren't careful, we can become so accustomed to being the gifted one that we never stop to ask:
Who am I when I'm not doing what I'm gifted to do?
THE GIFT IS NOT THE PROBLEM
I want to make something very clear.
The gift is not the problem.
Excellence is not the problem.
Preparation is not the problem.
Ministry is not the problem.
The problem is when the gift becomes our identity, our validation, our hiding place or our source of worth.
Scripture tells us that every good and perfect gift comes from above (James 1:17).
God gave you your gift.
But He never intended for the gift to become your god.
And He certainly never intended for the gift to replace relationship with Him.
There is a difference between using your gift and hiding behind your gift.
One brings glory to God.
The other can become a way of avoiding the very places where God is calling us into healing and wholeness.
EXCELLENCE BEGINS WITH THE HEART
I believe that once we decide that what we are doing is unto the glory of God, we will naturally want to do it to the best of our ability.
Excellence begins with a decision to give God our best.
Colossians 3:23 says:
“And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men.”
There is nothing wrong with rehearsing.
There is nothing wrong with preparation.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to sing well, play well, arrange well, communicate well or execute a service with excellence.
The question is:
Why are you doing it?
Are you giving God your best because He deserves your best?
Or have you become so consumed with being impressive that excellence has become another place to hide?
WHEN MINISTRY BECOMES MEDICATION
Ministry can most definitely become medication.
But medication is temporary.
It is like putting a band-aid on something that needs surgery.
Eventually, the wound underneath is still there.
And if we continue to minister from a place of deep unhealed wounds without allowing God to deal with them, eventually we can end up bleeding all over people.
Hurting people.
And leaving a legacy of destruction in our wake.
This is one of the reasons I believe that when unhealed people lead, it can often result in some measure of spiritual abuse.
Not because every wounded person is abusive.
Not because being wounded automatically disqualifies you from ministry.
But because what we refuse to allow God to heal can eventually affect the people we are entrusted to lead.
Jesus said in Luke 6:45 that out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks.
What is inside eventually finds its way out.
And that means we have to be willing to let God deal with what is inside of us.
SAMSON: GIFTED BUT UNDISCIPLINED
Samson resonates with me when I think about this.
He had the gift.
He had the strength.
He had success.
He had an assignment from God.
But he was still so bent on satisfying his flesh that he wilfully neglected the commands of God.
And I think this is where we have to be very careful.
Sometimes our gifting can fool us into thinking that because God is still using us, everything must be okay.
But being used by God is not the same thing as being fully surrendered to God.
Samson's strength did not mean that his heart was healthy.
His gifting did not excuse his disobedience.
And sometimes our pride will fool us into thinking that we know better than the One who knows the future.
We don't.
He is the Alpha and the Omega.
He sees what we cannot see.
And because of that, we have to remain vigilant and humble ourselves under His hand.
THE GIFT IS RAW MATERIAL
I think the gift is raw material.
Like every piece of raw material, it needs to be processed to become the best it can be.
And for some reason, we don't like being processed.
Actually, I do know why.
It's uncomfortable.
The chiselling.
The moulding.
The stretching.
The correction.
The pruning.
It rubs us the wrong way.
But we are all the better for it when it is all said and done.
The gift may be there from the beginning, but God is interested in what happens to the person carrying the gift.
Romans 12:2 speaks about being transformed by the renewing of our minds.
God isn't simply interested in what comes out of your mouth.
He is interested in what is happening in your heart.
He wants to form us.
He wants to mature us.
He wants to make us more like Christ.
And sometimes that process means confronting the very things we have spent years avoiding.
CAN I STILL SERVE WHILE GOD IS PROCESSING ME?
This is a tricky one.
I believe we can be processed and still serve.
But that isn't true for everyone in the same way.
Some wounds run deeper than we choose to admit.
Some wounds need more than prayer and fasting.
They need counselling.
They need mental health support.
They need wise pastoral guidance.
They need time.
Some people are stronger than others.
Some situations require us to step back for a season.
So this is not a one-size-fits-all situation.
But what we must do is be honest with ourselves and admit where and how we need help.
The fact that God is still working on you does not mean you are disqualified.
The fact that you need help does not mean you are a failure.
The sanctifying work of God is ongoing.
We are all being processed.
The question is whether we are actually allowing God to process us.
YOU ARE NOT YOUR GIFT
My gift is not my identity because my identity is rooted in God.
I am a daughter of the King.
That is who I am.
And this is one of the greatest freedoms we can experience as worship leaders.
I don't have to sing to know that I am valuable.
I don't have to lead worship to know that I am loved.
I don't need a platform to know that I belong to God.
I don't need to be used by God every moment to know that I have purpose.
I can simply be His.
And that is enough.
The platform cannot heal.
It can only mask what I choose not to deal with.
And eventually, the mask becomes exhausting.
Because you have to keep performing to maintain it.
But God isn't asking us to perform for Him.
He is inviting us into relationship with Him.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE MASK COMES OFF?
At some point, I had to get to a place where I could say:
“Lord, if You never use me to sing again, I will still trust You.”
And I meant it.
But at the same time, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that this was where the Lord wanted to use me.
I couldn't deny it.
The difference was that I no longer needed the gift to tell me who I was.
I had found my identity in Him.
And that changed everything.
God gave me my gift so that I can aid in building and establishing His Kingdom here on earth.
Not so that I could build my own kingdom.
Not so that I could make myself important.
Not so that I could receive the validation I didn't receive somewhere else.
He gave it so that He could be glorified through it.
Peter says that we are to use whatever gift we have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God's grace (1 Peter 4:10).
The gift is a stewardship.
It is not an identity.
WHEN THE GIFT IS NO LONGER THE MASK
I know my gift is no longer a mask when I don't need a stage.
When I don't need to be used by God.
When I am content simply being His daughter.
When I can serve without needing applause.
When I can sit without feeling forgotten.
When I can worship without needing anyone to know that I am the one worshipping.
When I can walk away from the platform and still know exactly who I am.
I am His.
And beloved, if you have been hiding behind your gift, I want you to know something:
You can be free.
You are not alone.
There is nothing you can uncover about yourself that God doesn't already know.
Psalm 139 reminds us that He searches us and knows us completely.
He knows the hurt.
He knows the disappointment.
He knows the rejection.
He knows the things you haven't told anyone.
He knows the places you've learned to smile over.
And He still wants you.
His desire is reconciliation with Himself.
His desire is that we be made whole.
Jesus told the woman who had suffered for years that her faith had made her well (Mark 5:34).
God is still in the business of making people whole.
So don't hide.
Let Him search you.
Let Him process you.
Let Him heal what needs healing.
Get the counselling if you need counselling.
Ask for help if you need help.
Repent where you need to repent.
Sit down when you need to sit down.
Get back up when it is time to get back up.
But whatever you do, don't use your gift to hide from the God who gave it to you.
Because He didn't give you your gift so that you could hide behind it.
He gave you your gift so that you could reveal Him through it.
And when the gift is surrendered to the Giver, it no longer has to be a mask.
It can become what it was always intended to be: a vessel through which He is glorified.